Yu Yu Hakusho: Answering Machine Messages
by DarkSapphireFire
Summary: What happens when the whole gang gets answering machines? I dared to find out! CHAPTER 8 IS UP
1. Koenma Missing

Muahahaha! Well, because I have gotten over Zoids for now, I have decided to waste my life obsessing over Yu Yu Hakusho. I haven't posted anything humorous for a while, so I decided to try it out. This one is what happens when our heroes {and villains} decide to have answering machines. Aren't we gonna have some fun? Here we go!  
  
*********************************************************  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Hello. You haven't gotten a hold of me right now. I am currently doing something better then talking to you, so why don't you just go and fuck off somewhere else okay? I'll get back to ya if I really feel like it, which means probably.NEVER. Oh yeah, if your Keiko, nice skirt.I'll be waiting for ya behind the school today okay? Yeah, you know what I mean, heh. Oh yeah, if this is Kuwabara, I WON'T FIGHT YOU GOD DAMMIT!!! Anyway.just leave a message if you really want to..not like I am gonna reply or something. Oh yeah, and if this is Botan with a new case for me.one word.NO!!!! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
........uh...hello?...Is this thing on??? HELLO?????? Huh? Oh yeah, thanks Yukina, hehehe. Anyway.where was I...oh yeah. Um, I'm like not here right now.although I am right at this moment..but not when you, like, call and stuff..but anyway, just leave a message. Oh yeah, and if your Urameshi, I AM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS THE NEXT TIME I FIGHT YOU, YOU'LL SEE!!!! If you're Yukina, I just want you to know that, I love you. Yeah baby, that means you. I'll be waitng for ya, don't you worry. If your Hiei, YOU LITTLE PUNK..I'LL FIND OUT WHAT YOUR LITTLE SECRET IS AND THEN I WILL HELP YUKINA FIND HER LONG-LOST BROTHER!!! Anyway.if you're anyone else you know what to do. Uh..now how do you turn the thing off?? Oh yeah, you press-- *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Hello, you have reached me but I am not currently here right now. I must have had some important matters to attend to. Just leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you. Thanks. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
Hey, I don't know how the hell you got this phone number, but I am certainly not gonna just sit around here and talk to you, got it? If you have anything important to say, I guess you can just say it after the little beep thing that comes after this and then I'll hunt you down and kill you, for you know my phone number and now I must kill you cause you should not know such a thing. If you're Kurama, then just call back some other time. Anyway, how the hell do you turn this stupid thing? Screw it. *Beep*  
  
Koenma:  
  
Hello, you have reached the Great Koenma. I have no time for you and your little problems right now cause, well, MY FATHER'S BACK!!! I am really scared right now, I don't know what to do, I mean, I didn't mean to screw things up. I REALLY DIDN'T!!!! Huh? Oh, hehe, hi dad, how are you today? What? Why are you looking at me like that? Eek, oh man.I SWEAR TO GOD DAD..I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.IT KINDA JUST HAPPENED!!!! Wait, uh, don't come any closer.please??? Oh god..AHHHHHHHHHHHH *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Hello. You have reached Botan, I am not here right now but as soon as you leave a message on this cool answering machine thing, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Currently I am looking for Koenma-sir, it seems that he ran away from his father once again to avoid some type of punishment. Anyway, if you have seen him anywhere, just leave a message on this cool thing. Anyway, gotta run. *Beep*  
  
Yukina:  
  
Hey there, you have reached me, but I am currently not here right now. Just leave a message after the beep. By the way Botan, I have seen Koenma around here somewhere. I think that he is currently living with Kazuma, but I'm not sure. Anyway, if you feel like talking now, start talking after the beep. Thanks *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
Hey bastards, I have made a new message again. Just wanted to let Botan know that I have seen Koenma around my house lately. He's been begging to come in. How pathetic. Don't know where he is right now, I kicked the stupid kid and I didn't see where he landed. Anyway, that is all that I have to say for now. By the way, DON'T CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
I am not here right now, I am helping Botan search for Koenma. I wouldn't be, if only King Yama didn't decide that my butt would be the one to suffer if I didn't help him find his son. If you've seen Hiei anywhere, tell him that I would like a word with him. Why does everyone drag me into these situations, all I want is to settle down for a while. I feel unloved. *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Hey. You have reached the Great Urameshi. I am currently not here right now, seems that Hiei and Kurama have dragged me into this whole search for Koenma thing. I HATE wild goose chases. Stupid Hiei, why did he have to KICK him??? *Beep*  
  
Koenma:  
  
I have no idea where the heck I am right now, but I am really, REALLY scared. My side hurts from Hiei kicking me, and I don't even want to think about what my dad is going to do to me now. Right now I need to blend in, so I am forced to make a living as a stripper. If anyone wants me just for about an hour, I'm all for it. I don't charge that much. Oh man, my dad is going to kill me. *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Has anyone heard Koenma's message lately?? I say that we use this to our advantage. I think Koenma wouldn't mind sleeping with Kuwabara for about an hour, just enough time for us to trap him. I mean, he said that he LOVES Kuwabara more than Yusuke, so I think that this would be a good plan. Hey, anything to get Botan off my ass and for me to get back to regular life. Leave a message if you have no idea what is going on. God, this has gotten twisted all of the sudden. Who is making this plot anyway??? *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Uh, okay you guys. There is no way in HELL that I am gonna sleep with a TODDLER!!!! Just wanted to let you know that. Uh, damnit, I still don't know how to turn this thing off. Oh yeah, here we g--- *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Hello. You have reached me again, but I am not here currently. If this is Kuwabara, I think that Kurama's plan is a good way for us to trap him, he trusts you Kuwabara, more then you know. Heeheehee. Anyway, if you are someone else, leave a message. Bye. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
Alright, I am getting REALLY tired of this chase. If this is Kuwabara, just sleep with the goddamn kid alright? If this is anyone else, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HANG YOUR INTESTINES ON A CLOTHES LINE, CAUSE YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS NUMBER!!!!! If you don't have a life and are just trying to piss me off, go screw yourself, its much more interesting. *Beep*  
  
************************************************************  
  
Well, that is all that I have to type randomly for now. Just let me know what you think. And the next chapter will be about the continuing plot of the hunt for Koenma. Please review now!!! I hoped you liked it. 


	2. Koenma Found

Well, due to the instant popularity of this fic, I have decided that I would write a continuing chapter as soon as I could get to it. Now we all get to find out what's gonna happen to Koenma and all that good stuff.  
  
Kurama: Personally, I have no idea how in the world you could come up with this plot.  
  
SS: Well, duh, this is what happens when you are sugar high!  
  
Hiei: Really? I should try that someday....  
  
SS: Well, okay then, I guess we'll just continue this nice little plot now.  
  
*********************************************  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Damn you guys. What the hell are you really thinking? You should know that I would PAY to see that happen. We need videotape. Anyone who wants to stick around for that full time, I will pay them to give me the tape afterwards. Just sleep with him Kuwabara, I doubt that you'll do anything. You know, just do a little strip-tease act and then just tell him all the stuff he wants to hear and you should be fine. If you have no idea what the hell we are all talking about, DON'T ASK!!!! Leave a message after the stupid beep thing. *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
YOU GUYS ARE SO GOD DAMN UNFAIR!!! I don't understand why I have to be the one to go and sleep with the guy. I mean, EVERYONE thinks that Kurama is gay, WHY DON'T WE SEND HIM???? Honestly, YOU ALL KNOW WHO I LIKE!!!! .........STUPID BUTTON, I CAN NEVER FIND IT!!!! FUC---- *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
If anyone has heard Kuwabara's message lately, I think that's all the more reason to give him to the kid. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL CALLING MY HOUSE??? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE WARNED YOU ABOUT CALLING MY HOUSE!!! ARE YOU NOT FRIGHTENED OR SOMETHING?? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!!! AND ONCE I FIND YOU, I'LL RIP OFF EVERY LIMB THAT IS ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY, AND I MEAN EVERY ONE!!! By the way Yusuke, I'll find someone to do the videotape, IT WILL BE THE NEXT PERSON WHO CALLS MY HOUSE!!!! I'll pay them to see it also. This will be fun. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Hey there, so sorry that I haven't been returning anyone's calls lately, I am still searching for Koenma-sir. If you have seen him, just dial: 1-800-I- HAVE-SEEN-KOENMA-AND-NOW-I-AM-CALLING-THIS-NUMBER-TO-INFORM-YOU-THAT-I-HAVE- SEEN-HIM-SO-THAT-HIS-FATHER-MAY-FIND-HIM-AND-KURAMA-CAN-GO-BACK-TO-HIS- NORMAL-LIFE-AND-HIEI-CAN-STOP-KILLING-PEOPLE-JUST-BECAUSE-THEY-HAVE-CALLED- HIS-PHONE-NUMBER-AND-I-CAN-PAY-SOMEONE-TO-SEE-KUWABARA-SLEEPING-WITH-A- BABY. Let me translate that into numbers. The phone number is: 1-800-4-4283- 7336-5--- *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
I have a better phone number. Just call: 1-800-I-WANT-TO-DESTROY-THE-WORLD- AND-CAUSE-LOTS-OF-DESTRUCTION-AND-MISERY-BUT-LEAVE-ANYONE-ALIVE-WHO-HAS- CALLED-THIS-NUMBER-SO-THAT-HIEI-CAN-KILL-THEM. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Hiei's phone number on his answering machine can be translated into numbers too! The numbers are: 1-800-4-9268-86-3378769-843-96753-263-22873-5687-63- 337 --- *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
I know, why don't we all just put those numbers into one phone number: 1- 800-I-AM-A-BIG-FAT-LOSER. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
1-800-4-26-2-244-328-56737. *Beep*  
  
Koenma:  
  
HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME????!!!!! I AM STILL HERE, ALTHOUGH I AM NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHERE, CAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN THAT YOU WOULD FIND ME. AND WHAT IS ALL THE CRAP I AM HEARING ABOUT KUWABARA SLEEPING WITH ME??? IF HE WANTS TO, HE SHOULD JUST LEAVE A MESSAGE ON MY NEW PHONE NUMBER: 1-800- SPANK-ME. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
1-800-77265-63. *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Alright! I am getting tired of this whole 1-800 number thing and I am tired of having to hear Botan translate it into numbers! Kuwabara, just sleep with the frickin' kid for pete's sake and lets just get it over with. You heard Koenma's message, HE WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM!!! Just do it already. If you are in no way a part of this on-going nightmare, feel lucky and leave a message and don't ask. *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Uh, sorry guys but I am currently not here. I wish I didn't have to tell you why, but Urameshi won't stop bugging me until I say it so, here we go: I am sorry, but I cannot come to the phone right now because.......well, I AM SLEEPING WITH A TODDLER!!!! ALRIGHT, I HAVE NOW FULLY EMBARSSED MYSELF AND I HOPE THAT YOU ARE HAPPY NOW URAMESHI!!!! Gosh darn it, why do I have to do all the dirty work?? Christ.....I hate this job. *Beep*  
  
Koenma:  
  
Hi guys, can't talk right now, I am currently involved with other matters. Yeah, you know what I mean. If you want to go next, just leave a message. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
I found someone to tape the whole thing Yusuke, seems that Botan will be enjoying herself tonight. Don't pay her too much though, cause she was the one that called my house after all the threats that I made. Stupid oar- girl, never listens to a frickin' thing that anyone says. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
It seems that I now must pay more attention to Hiei's answering machine things. I am now stuck doing something that I don't want to do and seeing something that not even strippers should see. I learned my lesson: Take Hiei's threats seriously. *Beep*  
  
Koenma:  
  
Hello, you have reached the Great Koenma. I am currently not able to talk on the phone right now, mainly because I am now being punished royally for what I did and I probably won't be able to sit down for about another 4 months. I WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SEE THE PAIN THAT I AM IN!!!! Oh, and on more thing, BOTAN!!!! I WANT THAT VIDEOTAPE WHEREVER YOU HID IT!!!! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SHOWN IT TO ANYONE!!!! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Can't talk right now. I am currently in a church trying to purify my eyes and the rest of my body. The priest said that he couldn't purify my mind though, it wouldn't matter anyway, because Hiei and Yusuke would continue to show that nasty tape of me and Koenma anyway. I'LL SOON HAVE MY REVENGE!!! YOU JUST WAIT ALL OF YOU!!!! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
I am not here right now, I have taken a LONG vacation with a friend of mine and I will not be coming back any time soon, so don't even bother trying to get me to chase after anyone else for about another 6 months. If this is Hiei, I would like a copy of that tape, just for laughs. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Hey everyone. I am currently going into hiding to kill myself after all the things that I saw. Just leave a message after the beep. See you around. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
Stop calling this number. I swear to god, I WILL KILL YOU!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE, BUT YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KEEPS ON CALLING!!! WHO ARE YOU??? AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO WITH THE PLOT OF THIS STORY??? YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SCRIPT ANYWHERE!!!! Don't you worry, I'll find out who you are, just wait. *Beep*  
  
**********************************************************  
  
SS: Well, wasn't that fun???  
  
Kurama: Speak for yourself, that was hell for me  
  
Hiei: I thought that it was worth it, especially the whole tape thing.  
  
SS: Um, yeah, I suppose that it was worth it for that.....  
  
SS: Anyway, stick around for the next chapter. Be sure to review!!!! 


	3. Koenma Freed, Yukina MIA

Hello again! Due to the instant popularity of this fic, I have decided to continue is as soon as a possibly could. I just would like to thank you guys so much for posting great reviews! It means a lot to me that you actually like it.  
  
Kurama: Well, I don't know about that. I mean, you did put us through hell and back just for a couple of good laughs.  
  
SS: Hey, I do whatever I can to please the people who read my stuff!  
  
Hiei: I still need to find out who is calling my phone number, I just can't seem to trace them anywhere.  
  
SS: *Sweatdrop* Well, I really have no idea. Now anyway, lets continue with this story why don't we? Hehehe.........  
  
Hiei: Hmmm, I have a feeling that you know something. OUT WITH IT!!  
  
SS: Wait a minute Hiei, why don't we find out what happens in the story first. You may just find out who the stalker is, I don't know.  
  
Kurama: But you write the whole story.  
  
SS: Shut up, it's called: Dramatic Effect.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Hello. You have reached the great Urameshi. Because life has returned to normal once again, I can now spend my time with things that really matter. Namely, kicking Kuwabara's butt. Hehe, he is gonna have no idea what will hit him, but I do. It'll be my fist!!! Anyway, if you have something important to say, leave a message after the beep thing. But don' t think that I am going to get back to you, I HAVE A LIFE!!! Oh yeah, before I forget, Hiei is putting up a reward for catching the person who keeps on calling his house. If you have any information, just call me or anyone else besides Hiei. I think that's all. Bye! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Hello, you have reached Kuwabara. I am currently not here right now, Urameshi has called me outside for some random reason, I am not quite sure what. Anyway, if this is anyone important, you know what to do. If this is Yukina, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU BABE!! Call me sometime okay?? If anyone else is wondering; NO, I AM STILL NOT DOING FINE AFTER ALL THAT HELL I HAD TO GO THROUGH LAST TIME!!! If you are calling for that, I would suggest that you hang up right now. If you have something important to say, then say it after the beep thing. Oh yeah, I have finally found the beep button thing. See? Its right here--- *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Hello, you have reached Kurama. I am not available right now; I am either doing homework or something else important, like maybe laughing my head off at the tape Botan made of Kuwabara and Koenma. I am so sorry Kuwabara, but it's so FUNNY!!! Anyway, if anyone has talked to Hiei lately, I have a tiny little lead on the person that is calling. Seems that they have been calling me too and listening to my answering machine. Anyway, leave a message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!!! YOU CANNOT HIDE FOREVER!!! I have no idea why the hell you keep on calling this phone number, BUT I AM SO GODDAMN SICK AND TIRED OF YOU CALLING OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! See, what you made me do?? I am getting all paranoid because of you. I hate you. I really do. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Hello, you have reached Botan here. I am back to my normal self, though I still have nightmares. Anyway, Koenma has given me a new assignment; I need to get him out of jail. Seems his own father put him in there, kinda funny don't you think? Anyway, leave a message after the beep. Bye! *Beep*  
  
Yukina:  
  
Hello everyone, you have reached me but I am currently not here right now. I am helping Botan break Koenma out of his jail cell, but you are not supposed to know that. If anyone has talked to Hiei, I have seen the person he's looking for at his or her favorite McDonalds. That's all the information that I have right now. Leave a message if you have something to say. Bye! *Beep*  
  
Koenma:  
  
Hello. You have reached me but I cannot take any phone calls right now. I am currently locked up in a jail cell, THAT MY OWN FATHER PUT ME IN!!! But I have a brilliant plan, Botan and Yukina are going to break in and help me escape and then I will go into hiding and become a stripper once again! It's a totally brilliant plan that I thought of myself. You have a lot of time to think about stuff in jail. Anyway, just leave a message after the beep, you know, if you want to have a time scheduled before I actually escape. That means you Kuwabara. Heeheehee. *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Hey, you've reached my once again. I am not here right now, seems that Koenma has once again ran away from his father. If anyone has seen him, the hot line is up and running once again. Here it is: 1-800-I-HAVE-SEEN-KOENMA- AND-NOW-I-AM-CALLING-THIS-NUMBER-TO-REPORT-THAT-I-HAVE-FOUND-HIM-AND-I-MAY- ALSO-HAVE-INFORMATION-ON-THE-PERSON-THAT-IS-STALKING-HIEI-SO-THAT-HE-MAY- KILL-THEM-SO-THAT-HE-WILL-SHUT-UP-ABOUT-THE-STALKER-AND-THAT-THEY-MAY-NOT- EAT-AT-THEIR-FAVORITE-MACDONALDS-CAUSE-I-LIKE-TO-EAT-THERE-TOO-AND-I-DON'T- WANT-TO-BE-KILLED-BY-HIEI. *Beep*  
  
Botan:  
  
Let me translate that into numbers: 1-800-.......*Beep*  
  
{A/N: Come on, you don't think that I would really put up the same joke twice?}  
  
Yukina:  
  
Hello, you have reached me once again. I am currently in hiding myself, because I guess that we weren't supposed to let Koenma out of his jail cell. That's funny though, cause Botan told me that it was going to be all right. I guess she lied to me then. Anyway, leave a message and I'll get back to you once its safe. Bye! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
NOOOOOOOOO MY YUKINA IS GONE!!!! WHERE COULD SHE HAVE GONE!!! IF ANYONE HAS ANY INFORMATION ON WHERE SHE WENT, JUST CALL SOMEONE OR ME!!! DON'T WORRY MY LOVE!!! I WILL FIND YOU SOON!!! OUR LOVE CANNOT KEEP US APART!!!.......DARN IT ALL!!! I CAN'T FIND THE STUPID BUTTON AGAIN!!!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Will someone please calm Kuwabara down? He has been calling my house every ten minutes to see if I have any information on where Yukina went. AND FOR THE TEN MILLIONTH TIME KUWABARA, I DON'T!!!! If anyone does have any information, just call Kuwabara so that he can get off my ass. Thanks. *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Doesn't anyone listen to answering machines anymore?? Yukina's answering machine said that she has gone into hiding and that she will only come out once the whole thing with breaking Koenma out has blown over. Anyway, Hiei and myself will try and find both Botan and Yukina for you guys. Leave a message if you have no idea what is going on or if you want a copy of the Kuwabara and Koenma tape, they are for sale for $10.99. *Beep* Hiei:  
  
Suit yourself with the hunting for Yukina and Botan, Kurama. I have more important things to take care of, like FINDING OUT WHO THE HELL IS CALLING MY FUCKIN' HOUSE!!! I WILL FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE; YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT!!! YOU CANNOT HIDE FOREVER!!! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!!! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
YYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! *Beep*  
  
{A/N: If you can't read it that well, it spells YUKINA.}  
  
************************************  
  
SS: Well, what did you think? Be sure to review!!  
  
Hiei: Well, I didn't find out who is still calling my house....  
  
SS: *Sweatdrop*.....hehehehe....why don't you give up that little hunt type of thing, besides, its not really that important right?  
  
Hiei: Sure it is!!! Wait a minute, do you something that I don't know??  
  
SS: Of course, I am the WRITER of this stuff!!!!  
  
Hiei: *Pulls sword out and jumps on top of SS* TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW WOMAN!!!  
  
Kurama: Well there's something you don't see in every fan fic.....  
  
SS: Both of you will just have to wait for the next chapter  
  
Hiei: WHY??? YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME NOW!!!  
  
Kurama: Well, I guess I'll end this chapter. Seems like both SS and Hiei are tied up in some business right now. Be sure to review so we can find out about all the things that are going on......this feels like a soap opera.......oh well. 


	4. The Problems of the Rei Kai Tentei

Oh my gosh, I didn't really mean for this fan fiction to become so popular! I can't believe how many reviews I have received over this simple little fan fic. So, in honor of all you devoted fans and such out there, I HAVE NO PLANS TO STOP WRITING THIS FIC!!! I don't care how many chapters it is, just as long as you guys still like it!  
  
Kurama: Wow, you are devoted. It might take a while for people to get tired of it, just look at how many reviews you have!  
  
Hiei: How long do you think that you are going to drag this whole stalker thing on? I am tired of trying to figure it out.  
  
SS: Just to piss you off, I think that I am going to drag it on to the LAST chapter!!  
  
Hiei: OH NO YOU WON'T WOMAN, YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME NOW!!!!  
  
SS: Here we go again. Don't start this again Hiei, I told you that I wasn't gonna say!  
  
Hiei: I hate both you and the stalker, I really do  
  
******************************************************* Yusuke:  
  
Well, it looks like hell is breaking out all over again. Koenma's dad is SUPER pissed and now he is threatening to blow up another continent if we don't find his son. I can't believe that WE have to go and find him! God, Koenma's dad should go out and look for him, he's the one who put him in the frickin' jail cell, NOT ME!!! Sorry, I am just a little uptight. I MEAN THIS ISN'T MY PROBLEM!!!! I DIDN'T DO A FUCKIN' THING TO GET INTO THIS!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ON ME AND MY FRIENDS TO SOLVE ALL THEIR PROBLEMS!!! Anyway, just leave a message after the beep, like I'll reply anyway. *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Wait a minute Urameshi, why are you dragging me into this whole thing. YOU'RE THE SPIRIT DETECTIVE, NOT ME!!!! I don't understand why I get dragged into so many different things; I AM JUST A SIMPLE HUMAN!!!! Now look at what you did Urameshi, you made me all uptight as well. Thanks a lot. *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Kuwabara, the reason that you are being dragged into this is: 1) I need all the help I can get, 2) My ass is going to get kicked if I don't and then you'll be the one to suffer, and 3) BECAUSE YUKINA IS MISSING BECAUSE OF THIS WHOLE MESS! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT!!!! YYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! !!!!! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Well, it seems like vacations don't last that long in this lifetime. I have to help Yusuke and Kuwabara find Yukina and Koenma and then I have to convince Hiei that he has to come along to help us because we really need him. Honestly Hiei, just forget about the stupid stalker. If they wanted you to find out who they were, they would have left you a message....duh. Anyway, I still have some more tapes for sale if anyone wants them. I am also looking for anyone who would like to take me on a vacation while this whole crisis blows over. I have certain restrictions on who can take me though. Anyone can take me except: fangirls, gay men, people who think I am gay, Koenma, Kuwabara for that matter, Hiei, and anyone who would just take me because of what they have heard from other people. Thanks! *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
Get this through your thick skulls morons. I AM NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE UNTIL I FIND OUT WHO THE STALKER IS. *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
You know what is kind of weird then Hiei, if you're not leaving the house until you find out who the stalker is, then why do you have your answering machine on? I just find it a little confusing that way. I mean it does make sense doesn't it? *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
You know Kuwabara, you're right. That really doesn't make sense. Wow, I can't believe that Kuwabara actually figured that out all by himself. I suppose I underestimated you. Congratulations for pointing out something that even I didn't see. By the way, I am still looking for someone to take me on a vacation. I am getting kind of desperate. Yusuke is threatening me that if I go on this vacation, he will hunt me down and drag me back himself. I'd like to see him try. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
All right, I am sick and tired of this whole stalker thing. It has been dragging on for 3 chapters now and I am tired of wasting my energy on this whole thing. So here is what I am going to do, I am going to disconnect my own phone line so that no one can ever call me AGAIN. It's the perfect plan. I didn't really need to use the phone anyway, mainly because I don't even know how to use it. TAKE THAT!!!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Well now life has just gotten worse. Kurama is trying to go on a vacation, Kuwabara is incredibly proud of himself that he was actually smarter then Kurama on something, and Hiei is trying to disconnect his phone in order to not be harassed by a "stalker". WHAT THE HELL IS THE WORLD COMING TO THESE DAYS??? I mean we were all such a good team for the longest time, what the heck happened to all of that. You know what, I BLAME THIS ALL ON THE STALKER TOO!!! I mean, who knows if it is some huge wide scale plan to take over the world by tearing the Rei Kai Tentai apart!!!! I am with Hiei on this one, forget about Koenma for the moment, we are going to find that stalker and find out what their plans are!!! I WILL FIND YOU!!!!! YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT!!! *Mission Impossible Theme Song in background* *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING URAMESHI??? WE STILL NEED TO LOOK FOR MY YUKINA!!! SHE IS CALLING TO ME, SHE WANTS TO BE FOUND!!! DON'T WORRY MY LOVE, KUWABARA HASN'T GONE INSANE YET!!! I WILL FIND YOU!!! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
No point in arguing with the eager. I suppose that I will try and smooth things over with all of my friends, considering that I am the only one that truly has their sanity for the moment. Why must I always have to help people, I am just too nice of a person. You know what? People don't really say, "Leave a message" anymore. Wow, that was really random. Sorry, I am just a little stressed and now I am pointing out weird things that really have nothing to do with this plot. Does anyone really know the plot now? Leave a message if you have any answers to these questions. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
We're sorry, but the number you have dialed does not exist anymore. The owner of this phone line has either disconnected their phone or has moved to a different location. If this is an emergency, please dial 911. If not, then dial 0 for your local operator. If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again. For only 95 cents, QWEST will keep trying and call you back as soon as the line is no longer disconnected. Thank you. *Elevator music in the background*  
  
******************************************************* SS: I can't believe that you disconnected your own phone line Hiei.  
  
Hiei: It was a solution. You have a problem with that?  
  
SS: *sweatdrop* Of course not, Hiei.  
  
Hiei: Good.  
  
Kurama: I do not appreciate that you have decided to make all of this my problem.  
  
SS: Hey, we can't just have Hiei's problems be the whole part of this story. You need problems anyway, I'll harass someone else later.  
  
Kurama: Gee thanks, I really care about you too.  
  
SS: Really? Aww, that's so sweet Kurama you don't have to say that.  
  
Kurama: *sweatdrop*  
  
SS: Anyway, be sure to review and don't worry, I'll have another chapter up as soon as I can possibly find time to type it.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho but I wish that I did. I also do not own QWEST or any other phone company, and I am in no way affiliated with paper companies, computer companies, Microsoft Word, or any other product that I have used to make the production of this story. No animals were harmed in the making of this story. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved. 


	5. Paranoia and Sugar Highs

Hola all!! Once again I have returned to finally complete another chapter in my story!! YAY what fun!! I just want to thank you all so much for submitting reviews and just loving it so much!! It makes me feel special!!  
  
Kurama: She loves the attention  
  
Sapphire: Quiet Kurama, I may just have some fun with you in this chapter.....  
  
Kurama: *sweatdrop* Um, I don't really know what you mean by that......  
  
Sapphire: *Hits Kurama* Shut up!! I didn't mean it in a sick way!!! I meant it in a funny sort of way.  
  
Kurama: *Knocked out*  
  
Sapphire: Okay then, anyway, be sure to review afterwards and just enjoy!!  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Okay then. It seems that life has calmed down once again. Yukina and Botan have returned from wherever they went and Koenma was found once again. I believe that he was trying to sell himself off as a stripper at a local club and the bouncer became confused as to why the hell a baby would want to become a stripper, let alone speak English fluently at that age. Anyway, both Botan and Koenma got off with somewhat severe punishments and Yukina was spared for some reason, probably has something to do with Kuwabara. Something confuses me though, why didn't anyone want to tell me what Koenma's and Botan's punishment was, its not like I would be too immature and laugh at it. WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE THINK I AM SO FRICKIN' IMMATURE??? *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
YUKINA MY LOVE!!! WE ARE ONCE AGAIN BACK TOGETHER!!! OUR BOND OF LOVE COULD NOT SEPARATE US!! I HAVE FOUND YOU MY LOVE AND I HAVE SAVED YOU FROM THE EVIL KING YAMA AND HIS EVIL PUNISHMENT THAT ALMOST FORCED OUR LOVE APART FOR EVEN LONGER!!!! I LOVE YOU, YUKINA!!! I LOVE---*Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Currently I am paranoid as to what this story is really gonna turn out to be. I mean, what the heck? I am just a simple guy, doing my homework, looking out for my friends and my mother, minding my own business. But what has to happen? The screwed up author of this story has to go off and get hyped up on sugar and then decided to write a story totally randomly and with no real idea of what the plot is going to be until she discovers it in the middle of the chapter. She then proceeds to put me into the introduction and conclusion and then knocks me out for a while and then puts me into her closet until she pulls me out for homework questions or to put me into the introduction once again. Doesn't this seem to bother anyone else? I mean, don't you feel used? To be placed here and just sort of be used for the entertainment purposes of another? Doesn't this bother anyone? Anyone? Oh what the hell, I give up. *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
The number you are currently trying to reached has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again. *Elevator music*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Hey guys!! Can't really talk right now, currently on a sugar high, WEEEEEEEE!!!! This is so much fun!! Have you ever been to a restaurant, you know? And then, like, eat all of the sugar packets that they give you by, like, putting them into your water and then drinking all of water??? Have ya? Have ya? Have ya? AnywayIguessthatIcan'treallytalkrightnowbecausethesugarhighisreallygettingto meandI'mallliketalkingreallyfastandstuffandIbetallofyouwhoarereadingthisareh avingareallyhardtimereadingthisbecauseitisallbuncheduptogetherinallonebigwor dandit'sjustlikesocoolandIdon'tknowhowmuchlongerIhavetorecordthissoyeahI'llj ustgonowbye *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
All right, because the author told me that some people were wondering why I disconnect my phone and were all sad because of it, I'll reconnect my phone, which I just did, which is why I am talking to you, which is why I am explaining it to you, which is why I am getting pissed, which is why I am going to stop this message now. *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Has anyone seen Hiei around lately? He has reconnected his phone, but he won't call you back or he won't answer the door. I am concerned. The last time I talked to him he said that he was going into withdrawal over something. Anyway, leave a message after the beep. *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Maybehesundergoingasugarwithdrawal. ThatswhatIwentunderuntilIfoundsomemorepacksofsugarinmykitchenandnowI'mbackto mynormlahyperselfandallthatgoodstuff. AnywayIhavenoideawhatelsetoputsoI'lljustpressthebottonthatmakesitgobeepandth enIwillbealldonewiththismessageandthencontinueonwithmylifeandthenkeepongetti ngsugarhigh. *Breath*AnywayIhopetoseeyoualllaterorsomethingandtellshortythatifheneedssuga rthatIcangivehimapackandstuffcauseIjustspenttendollarstobuyalotofsugarpacks. Anywaybye *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
KUWABARA GET OFF THE FRICKIN' SUGAR HIGH!!! I CAN HARDLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY IN YOUR MESSAGES!!! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T GET OFF THAT SUGAR!! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Anyway, I still haven't heard from anyone about where the heck Hiei went off. If you have any information, please call me at 1-507-382-5633.  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Kurama, did you know that your phone number spells out like: 1-507-FUCKOFF? I WANT YOUR PHONE NUMBER!!! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Actually Yusuke, I am over at Hiei's house right now and seeing if there are any clues to where he has gone. I guess when he plugged his phone back in, they let him choose the numbers. My phone number is: 1-507-759-3691. *Beep*  
  
{A/N: If you haven't noticed by now, I always make out the phone numbers to spell out something. If you can figure out what Kurama's spells, I'll be sure to mention you in the next chapter. Hint: You don't have to worry about the 1-507 part and the 1 at the very end is not included in the word. So its two, three-letter words.}  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Darnwellthatsucksthatyoucantfindthedwarfandallthatgoodstuff. AnywayIamstillonmysugarhighandIcouldcarelesswhatUrameshisaysbecausehedoesntk nowsquat. AnywaymydoorbelljustrangandI'mgonnaseewhoitisandonceIgetbackI'llcontinuetalk ingandallthatstuff. *Long pause* Hey guys, Yusuke here. Kuwabara cannot come to the phone right now, but as soon as he's back from the hospital, he'll be more then happy to answer your calls. See you around. *Evil laughing* *Beep*  
  
************************************************************  
  
Well? What did you guys think? Don't worry, more chapters to come soon!! Next chapter we will find out where Hiei went and see what drastic measures he will take to satisfy his "withdrawal". Be sure to review!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho in any way, although I wish that I did. This idea and all ideas presented in this Fan Fiction are solely mine, although other people can post other Fan Fictions about answering machines. Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved.  
  
~SapphireStarz726 ^_~ 


	6. Intermission

Hola all!! You may have thought that I have ignored my fan fiction for so long but really I just had a lot of schoolwork to do and all that stuff. My busy schedule has caught up with me. Anyway, now I'm back and ready to start a whole new chapter!! Yay!! What fun!! Anyway, thanks for everyone posting their guesses for Kurama's number!! I have included this interlude in my writing just to post all the people who got the number right and all the creative guessing ones. So, without further ado, here are all the people who guessed the number right!!  
  
Kurama's Loving Wife (First one to guess it right!!), forest dwellings, Kagome45765, ali54, Mistress of Darkness, kasia matsubishi, Shisori, DeFlIs the Psycho, Blackthorn1989, baka-ningen-14, Crystal Jaganshi, Little-Kitsune, The New Girl, Maria162L@aol.com, asian princess 61, Yaoi-Rules, DarkMagicianGirl9 (My mirror image!!)  
  
Here are some people that got creative answers, good job to you!! I didn't even think of some of these combinations:  
  
Angel Wolf (RED FOX), Youko Demon (SKY FOX), YumeMonoGatori (PLZ DNY), SlientDark (SKY FOX), Kage Kitsune (PLZ FOX)  
  
Anyway, good job to all who tried!! And because my clone (DarkMagicicanGirl9) told me to get my butt in action and post the new chapter, you can expect the new chapter up by the end of the day!! Thanks for all you guys who waited so long for the new chapter!!  
  
~DarkSapphireFire 


	7. Insanity Can Do Things to People

Okay, so now that I have all that done and out of the way. Here comes the moment that hundreds of fans have been waiting for, THE NEW CHAPTER OF YU YU HAKUSHO: ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES!!! YAY!!! *Dances around the room*  
  
Kurama: You've got a lot of reviews and lots of people love your fic, why can't I excel in that?  
  
Sapphire: You excel in everything else, Kurama. It's my turn to shine!! *Continues dancing*  
  
Kurama: *Sweatdrops* Well, I suppose you do have a point right there. Anyway, I still want to know where in the world Hiei went, I have become concerned. He's been gone for a long time.  
  
Sapphire: *Stops dancing* Oh yes, well, I put him in a good place. He is at least happy there. *Laughs evilly*  
  
Kurama: Where in the world did you put him?!  
  
Sapphire: You'll soon find out! *Continues to laugh, lightning cracks in the background*  
  
Kurama: *Sweatdrop* You're messed. Anyway, why don't we continue the story?  
  
Sapphire: You're right Kurama, I think I should get started on that. It looks like a lot of my readers are about to kill me for putting it off for so long. Anyway, enjoy!!!  
  
*********************************************************  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Hey guys!! Kuwabara has just gotten back from the hospital and I think he has finally calmed down. At least, he better. Anyway, have any of you guys heard any news about Hiei lately? He's been gone for a while and I am concerned that our little mass-murderer has done something stupid. Anyway, call me back if you find out anything. And do you realize that our answering machine things are more like we are leaving stuff on an answering machine? Like, a message or something? Oh well, kinda freaky. Leave a message or something!!! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
OUCH!!! Hey guys, I'm back from the hospital and they said that I should regain feeling in my legs in about a week!! I haven't heard anything from the stupid dwarf and I suppose that he has just gotten sick of all the fan girls and that stalker calling him that he decided to move away or go back to the Makai or something. I say, GOOD RIDDENS!! He's doing my life a whole ton of good now that he's gone, so if this is Hiei, JUST STAY AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!!! YOU'LL BE DOING THE WORLD A LOT OF GOOD!!! *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
Kuwabara, do you think that maybe if you left you would be doing the world a lot of good? Sorry, that wasn't me talking. I have decided to role-play Hiei while he's gone and so that was Hiei talking, not me, I swear to God. No, I am not suffering from multiple personality disorder, why do you ask? *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Oooooookkkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy, Kurama is acting weird and my beloved Yukina is concerned about Hiei, I dunno why. So I guess it is up to me to find Hiei and relieve my poor Yukina of her worries. DON'T WORRY MY LOVE!!! YOUR BRAVE LOVER KAZUMA WILL HELP YOU FIND THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT, EVEN IF HE HATES THE PERSON AND KURAMA HAS GONE INSANE, I WILL NOT FAIL YOU MY LOVE!!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Kurama, I think you need bed rest. You are obviously mentally unstable and you just need sometime to calm down, perhaps you should take a few days off from school or something? *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
It's not just that, Yusuke. There is a person who is holding me hostage in her stories that won't stop torturing me. For about 6 months now it's been uncontrollable. I am just an innocent 16 year old guy, who just wanted to have life calm down a little bit. But no, she just has to keep on torturing me and making my life a living hell. I just can't take it anymore, just can't take it, you've got to do something Yusuke, MAKE HER STOP!!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Okay Kurama, I take back what I stated earlier. You are totally INSANE!!! I'm coming over right now to help you, 'cause you are very unstable. You just don't do anything dumb, okay? *Beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
No Yusuke, STAY BACK!!! YOU CANNOT HELP ME!!! I AM BEYOND HELP!! SAVE YOURSELF, JUST SAVE YOURSELF!! GO ON WITHOUT ME!!! WHY IS IT THAT THE BLACK GUY ALWAYS HAS TO DIE FIRST??? AHHH, MY ARM!! THAT BASTARD T-REX HAS BITTEN IT OFF!!! JUST GO ON WITHOUT ME!! I'LL FIGHT THEM OFF AS LONG AS I CAN!!! I- --*Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Jesus Urameshi, I sure hope you got to Kurama in time. That seems pretty serious. I am currently on a mission looking for Hiei, for my beloved Yukina. Anyway, I haven't found anything in his house just yet, other then a copy of that goddamned tape of Koenma and me. I burned it already though. Anyway, leave a message Urameshi and tell me that Kurama is all right. *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
*Sigh* Kurama is fine now. I had to knock him out and lay him into bed though; I think he's back to normal. Right before I knocked him out he was running around without a shirt on saying that his name was Kunta Kinte and that he was trying to find his way back home to Africa because he is a Mandingo warrior and that his "masser" can't keep him here forever. Anyway, leave a message if you find out anything on Hiei, I have a feeling that Kurama won't be of much help now. *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
OOOOO!!! I have found an update!! Turn to channel 12, Urameshi and you'll see something on the news that seems a little ironic. *Sounds of moving recorder and suddenly the voice of a newscaster* "For four days now the ice cream factory in Sleeping Eye is under the control of a young 12 year old, though authorities are not certain the age of the 4'3 person that took over the ice cream factory four days ago. All they know is by workers, who escaped saying the suspect was short, dressed in black and had a spiky hair- do. More as the story continues." See Urameshi? I think that it is Hiei that took over that ice cream factory and that should be the place we next look. Leave a message dammit if you want to help me!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
All right, I'll help you out. We need to get Hiei back as soon as possible. I'm not sure on how Kurama is doing, but I think it is easy enough to do it without him. Now, TO THE BATCAVE!!! *Theme song to "Batman"* *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
OH NO YOU DON'T!!! I AIN'T COMIN' OUT OF HERE UNTIL THAT BITCH THAT IS WRITING THIS STORY TELLS ME WHO THE HELL IS STALKING ME!!! I WILL ONLY CARVE OUT HER STOMACHE BECAUSE SHE PUT ME IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE; I WAS GOING TO KILL HER BEFORE. YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY SWEET SNOW!! ITS MINE, ALL MINE!!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Jesus Christ, has everyone gone insane right now? Who the hell is writing this? I DEMAND YOU SHOW YOURSELF NOW!!!! GIVE ME BACK THE SANITY OF ALL MY FRIENDS YOU BITCH!!! I'M WARNING YOU!!!! *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
I AIN'T COMIN' OUT OF HERE!! NO WAY, NO HOW!! YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY SOMETHING THAT IS PREACIOUS TO ME!!! I WANT MY SWEET SNOW, WHAT IT WRONG WITH THAT? NOTHING!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP CALLING ME!!! NO MATTER WHERE I GO THE FUCKIN' STALKER FOLLOWS!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
HOLD ON HIEI!! I SHALL SAVE YOU!! NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO, JUST BECAUSE MY BELOVED YUKINA WANTS ME TO SAVE YOU!! I SHALL COME AND RID YOU OF THE DEVIL THAT HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF YOUR SOUL!!! I SHALL PURIFIY YOUR UNCLEAN SPIRIT!!! DO NOT FEAR, KUWABARA IS HERE!!! *Beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Jesus H. Christ, we're all so fuckin' screwed. Just, stop the madness, okay? Please, for me?? I just want it to return to normal. I can see why Kurama went insane. Just make is stop okay? Please!! I'm begging you!! Anyone out there, just help!!! *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
BAKA!!! THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO SAVE ME!!! I'LL BE SURE OF IT!! I'LL.......WHAT THE HELL? *Sound of breaking glass and Kuwabara calling out his battle cry* GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR SOMETHING BETTER!!! *Beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Heheheheheh. All in all I think this was a very successful day. I was the only one who didn't go insane and I actually was able to hog-tie Hiei and take him home with me. I put him in a large tank that he can't break out of and I get to hear him whine and cry all day to let him have his sweet snow back. It's almost pathetic. I give him a bowl of ice cream every once and a while when he doesn't try to chew the top off the tank. HE'S SO CUTE!!! Anyway, talk to you all later and leave a message!!! *Beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
You've got to help me. I DON'T WANT TO BE KUWABARA'S PET!!!! I don't even know how I got a phone with an answering machine in here anyway, but I'm not the one controlling the story, that bitch is. I VOW TO GET REVENGE!!! I SWEAR IT!!! *Beep*  
  
************************************************************  
  
Well, there ya go!! Another chapter in the continuing saga of Yu Yu Hakusho: Answering Machine Messages. Hope you liked it and be sure to review!!! Kurama is in bed right now because he is still acting a little funny but I've got Hiei back here with me!!  
  
Hiei: I swear to God, I am going to kill you in your sleep.  
  
Sapphire: Don't worry Hiei, you can't. I control the story and I can put you anywhere I want.  
  
Hiei: You're unfair!!!  
  
Sapphire: Nope, just being a control freak. Anyway, also my good friend Little Kitsune wanted me to mention her to you, so say hi you jerk!!!  
  
Hiei: I will not say hi to her, she could be the stalker.  
  
Sapphire: She isn't Hiei, although many claim to be the stalker, they are all just throwing you off though, you'll never find out the real stalker until many chapters from now!!  
  
Hiei: NO!!! YOU WILL TELL ME NOW, WOMAN!!!!  
  
Sapphire: Eekkk!!! *Runs away from Hiei and his sword*  
  
Hiei: COME BACK HERE!!! I'M SOOOO GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, but I am currently holding Kurama and Hiei hostage. I am offering 10 billion dollars for their safe return. I also don't own "Roots" and all its respective characters. I am merely watching the movie in American Literature. All ideas and sayings in this fic are totally my idea and I will hunt you down while you are sleeping and hang you if you steal it from me without my asking. Thank you for flying DarkSapphireFire Airlines. Be sure to only unfasten your seatbelts once the plane has come to a full and complete stop and the engines have been turned off. Please be sure to remove all personal items from the overhead compartments. We hope to serve you again with all your travel needs!! ^_^  
  
~DarkSapphireFire 


	8. The Stalker Is Revealed

Ok now the moment all of you have been so anxiously waiting for. The next chapter of YU YU HAKUSHO: ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES!!! Oh, you all know that you were anxious to read it oh come one tell the truth you know it.  
  
Hiei: (looks at her dumbfounded) Dear God, you are the stupidest person I swear.  
  
Sapphire: Speak for yourself (sticks out her tongue at Hiei).  
  
Hiei: I have been literally put in hell. My own personal piece of hell and you're just doing that to piss me off.  
  
Sapphire: Duh!  
  
Hiei: (takes out his katana) THAT'S IT YOU BITCH YOU ARE SOOO DEAD!!  
  
Kurama: What's going on? (Hiei looks at Kurama as he puts the sword to Sapphire's neck)  
  
Hiei: Trying to kill her will you help me?  
  
Kurama: (takes out his Rose Whip) Of course. (as Hiei and Kurama start to charge at Sapphire as girl with black and red curly hair, red eyes, white fox ears, white tail, fangs and claws jumps out of no where with a flamethrower)  
  
Brittaney: DIE!!! (shoots fire out at Kurama and Hiei as they run away from the girl) DIE DIE DIE!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kurama and Hiei: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! (run for their lives)  
  
Brittaney: YOU CAN'T RUN I WILL GET YOU!!  
  
Kurama: AAAHHHH WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!  
  
Sapphire: That is my wonderful clone, Brittaney. She is so great huh? (Kurama and Hiei keep running as Brittaney still tries to kill them) HI BRITTANEY!!  
  
Brittaney: (stops as her eyes turn a soft brown color, runs over to Sapphire and hugs her) HI SAPPHIRE!! (Kurama and Hiei stare)  
  
Hiei: (breathing heavily) YOU PSYCHO BITCH!!  
  
Brittaney: (her eyes turn red) TAKE THAT BACK YOU FUCKER!!! (runs after Hiei)  
  
Hiei: (runs) FINE I TAKE IT BACK!!!  
  
Brittaney: (stops and smiles ever so sweetly) Ok then ^_^.  
  
Kurama: Wow, she can really switch moods huh? (mumbles) They aren't that different from each other though.  
  
Sapphire: (slams a bat over his head) I HEARD THAT!!  
  
Kurama: (holds his head) OW! Sorry.  
  
Sapphire: (smiles) Thanks ^_^.  
  
Hiei: (on the ground breathing hard) God, now there's two of them.  
  
Sapphire and Brittaney: YUP!! (both smile and Kurama and Hiei shudder)  
  
Kurama: This is hell.  
  
Hiei: (looks at Kurama) Oh, you have no idea.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yusuke:  
  
(sighs) Why do I even bother, all my friends have just gone insane. None of this even has a point anymore!! I AM THE ONLY ONE WITH EVEN A LITTLE BIT OF SANITY LEFT!!! WHY GOD, WHY?!?! I'M GOING TO BE NEXT, SOON I WILL BE AS INSANE AS KURAMA!!! THIS HAS NO FUCKING END!!! I BLAME THAT BITCH FOR THIS!!! THE ONE WHO'S WRITING THIS!!! I BLAME HER AND THAT FUCKING STALKER, BEFORE THEM, EVERYONE WAS FINE AND NOW... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Look, leave a message, but I doubt I'll call you back; I'm having a emotional breakdown.. (cries) GOD JUST GO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO!!!! *beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
Ok.. What the hell is wrong with Yusuke? He really needs mental help. Oh yeah Hiei escaped from that tank I put him in and I can't find him anywhere. Oh well, but anyway all the ice cream in my freezer is gone too. Things are just spontaneously disappearing, woah freaky. Well, if you know where Hiei is. DON'T CALL YUSUKE!! He is insane and having enough trouble as it is. Though, maybe Hiei is at his house, I didn't check there. Well, leave a message I'll call you back. *beep*  
  
Kurama:  
  
THAT BITCH HAS A CLONE!!!! SHE HAS A FREAKY, PSYCHOTIC CLONE!!! SHE HAS A FUCKING FLAMETHROWER FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! SHE IS TRYING TO KILL ME AND HIEI!!!! AND NO ONE TRIES TO HELP!! WE HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS DOESN'T ANYONE CARE?!?!?! AAAAAAHHHHHHH (hear shouting in the background and the sound of flame tourches) IS THERE NO END TO THIS MADNESS?!?!?! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE BEFORE THIS IS DONE!! *beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!?! NOW THAT WHORE HAS A CLONE, THIS INSANENESS WILL NEVER EVER END!!! WE WILL ALL BECOME SO INSANE THAT WE WILL JUST KILL OURSELVES!!! THERE IS NO REASSURANCE THAT WE WILL EVER BE SANE EVER AGAIN!!! PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE NOW PLEASE!! *beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
Great, just great that fucking bitch has a god damned clone. THIS COULDN'T GET WORSE!!! AND SHE STILL WON'T TELL ME WHO MY STALKER IS!!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DAMMIT WHY?!?!?!?! STOP CALLING ME WHO EVER YOU ARE I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU I FUCKING SWEAR!!! GO AWAY HOW THE HELL DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE I AM?!?!?!!? *beep*  
  
Kuwabara:  
  
I'm afraid.. Everyone has totally lost it. I MEAN TOTALLY LOST IT!!! You know what, now I blame that bitch and that stalker. We were fine until she came and MADE OUR LIVES A LIVING HELL AND I MEAN HELL!!!! Never mind you know what this does no good. Though I still think, it is funny how much this pisses of Hiei. So I thank and hate the stalker at the same time. Weird. *beep*  
  
Hiei:  
  
KUWABARA YOU ASSHOLE!!! I HOPE YOU DIE A HORRIBLE AND VERY PAINFUL DEATH THAT I CAUSE!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU LIKE THE STALKER NOW!!!!! I HATE YOU, AND I HATE THAT BITCH WHO WRITES THE STORY, I HATE THE STALKER AND I HATE THAT BITCHES STUPIDASS CLONE!!!! (you can hear flame torches and Brittaney yelling) TAKE THAT BACK YOU ASSHOLE!!! (Hiei) NEVER YOU STUPID WHORE!! JUST GO NOW GO!! *beep*  
  
Yusuke:  
  
Ok, I have calmed down now. Well. for the most part anyway. But anyway honestly PLEASE LET US HAVE OUR SANITY BACK COME ON WE HAVE GONE THROUGH ENOUGH!! JUST LET US HAVE PEACE!! FORGET IT JUST FORGET IT THIS WON'T EVER END!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sapphire: That was the most wonderful thing ever. (tear)  
  
Brittaney: (stops from setting Hiei and Kurama on fire) I know.. WWAAAHHH (cries)  
  
Kurama and Hiei: YOU HAVE EMOTION!  
  
Brittaney: (looks at them) OF COURSE I DO YOU ASSHOLES GO TO HELL!!!  
  
Hiei: FOR YOUR INFORMATION I'M ALREADY THERE!!!  
  
Brittaney: THEN I HAVE SUCCEDED IN MY GOAL!!  
  
Kurama: YOUR GOAL WAS TO PUT US IN HELL?!?!?!  
  
Brittaney: No to MAKE you lives a living hell.  
  
Kurama: Oh much of a difference!  
  
Sapphire: Hey Hiei, I have thought about it and I am going to tell you who the stalker it ok?  
  
Hiei: (looks at her puzzled) Really?!  
  
Sapphire: Yeah. (smiles evilly) Its.. BRITTANEY!!!!!  
  
Kurama and Hiei: WHAT!!  
  
Brittaney: (laughs) HAHAHA I DID IT JUST TO SPITE YOU HAHAHA!!!  
  
Hiei: OH, no fucking way that psycho is MY stalker?!?!?  
  
Brittaney: (acts dramatically) Oh Hiei deep down I have always loved you!! (hugs Hiei)  
  
Hiei: AAAHHH SHE'S ATTACKING ME!!  
  
Sapphire: (claps and laughs) OH YEAH KICKASS ACTING BRITTANEY!!  
  
Brittaney: (lets go of Hiei and bows) Thank I know.  
  
Hiei: Are you really my stalker?  
  
Brittaney: (moves REALLY close to him) Yes. (smiles ever so temptingly)  
  
Hiei: Uhh. ok. (Kurama starts laughing)  
  
Kurama: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE PSYCHO IS YOUR CLONE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Brittaney: (eyes Kurama evilly) Watch it Kurama you could be next.  
  
Kurama: (stops) Uhh.. never mind.  
  
Now you all know that my clone, Brittaney is Hiei's stalker. Isn't that ever so wonderful? Sorry the chapter was so short but I wanted to make it quick in a sense. WELL TAH TAH FOR NOW AND COME BACK SOON!!! (gives out free cookies and a t-shirt that says 'I read 'Yu Yu Hakusho: Answering Machine Messages and thoroughly liked it, or else Sapphire and her clone will kill me.') Here take these gifts and come back soon bye!! 


End file.
